We Hide that John's family is not Jewish?
When I was in Australia over Shavuot, one question I received has stuck with me: 'Do you tell your kids that your husband's family is not Jewish?'
For a moment I was taken aback. The implication seemed that I would hide from my kids that basic fact. And the thing is, because of who John is, we have been open from the beginning about his journey and his background. That's what allowed me in the first place to open, share and discuss his conversion on social media.
Because of that, we are very open also with our kids. When the situation arises, we explain that Mimi and Papa (John's parents) and Leah (John's sister) don't keep Shabbat and kosher. Like when one of them inevitably drives a car on Shabbat, or eats non-kosher food the girls can't have. On occasion we might have mentioned that they are not Jewish, or explained that they're not obligated with the same rules that we are. That said, they're only four and two years-old. I don't know how much of this they actually grasp.
But they understand that our observances are different from daddy's family, and there is a lot of respect. His family knows that the girls keep kosher. There have been situations when I have overheard one of them saying: 'oh sorry you can't have that, it's not kosher. Let me give you this instead.' The girls also understand that they keep Shabbat, and even if part of the family does not, that's ok and that's the reality for some people. I think it already helps shape at such a young age the reality they live in. It's not hidden, it's not sugar-coated. We explain it on their level in a way that they at least somewhat understand.
And as they grow older we will continue to explain further, trying to instill a sense of Jewish pride and of Torah and mitzvot while also instilling a great love and deep respect for John's family. Despite the conversion, they remain biological family and our Jewish law recognizes that and demands us to show respect. I have heard many extraordinary halachic rulings by rabbis to converts regarding their biological families for the sake of shalom bayit, peace within the home. Just as one example, allowing an Orthodox convert to drive with a non-Jewish driver on Shabbat to an important family celebration she had to attend, while following specific guidelines. There are personal solutions that would not necessarily be publicly shared, but our rabbis expect the balance of Torah and mitzvot along with respect to parents and the value of shalom bayit.
So we do not hide from our kids that John's family is not Jewish. We try to approach and explain it on their level. I have no doubt it will create understanding and respect in the long term, and hopefully an even deeper appreciation and understanding of our own practices, observances, and mitzvot.
Have your own thoughts on this? Let me know (netta@nettajewished.com)
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